What Time Is the Lions On

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Back to the Detroit Lions, because this is where the real comedy lives. Their Sunday game time is announced a week in advance, but it feels like it’s chosen by a dart-throwing monkey. One week it’s 1:00 PM, the next it’s 8:20 PM on a Thursday, which is basically a war crime against sleep.

Did you know that the Detroit Lions haven’t won an NFL championship since 1957? That’s 67 years of waiting. I’m not saying they’re cursed, but their mascot looks perpetually confused, and their fans have developed a dark, self-deprecating sense of humor that would make a clown weep.

You can check the official NFL schedule, but I’ll save you the trouble: the Lions are on whenever your plans are most awkwardly interrupted. If you have a brunch at 11:00 AM, they’ll be on at 11:30 AM. If you schedule a dentist appointment, they’ll play during the root canal.

The Surprising Truth About Lions

Let’s talk about actual lions for a second, because they are way more interesting than the football team. A lion’s roar can be heard from five miles away. That’s like screaming “I’m hungry” so loudly that the entire city of Detroit can hear it. Yet, they still can’t get a decent Wi-Fi signal on the savanna.

Here’s a mind-bender: lions sleep up to 20 hours a day. That means in a 24-hour period, a lion is awake for roughly the length of a double feature and a sad post-movie burrito. They are the ultimate champions of laziness, and frankly, I respect their hustle.

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But the Detroit Lions? They play a 60-minute game, but their recent history feels like a 20-hour nap. They have had three head coaches since 2018, and their fans have developed a Pavlovian response to disappointment. You check the time, they lose; you don’t check, they still lose.