Cherries Make Me Gassy

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I’ve tried eating them slowly. It doesn’t help. It just delays the inevitable. It’s like trying to slow down a freight train by throwing marshmallows at it.

Some people say drinking water helps. I drink a whole lake. My stomach just says, “Thank you for the spa treatment. Now, more gas.” It’s a futile battle.

why-do-cherries-give-me-gas – GreenThumbsGuide

I’ve contemplated giving them up entirely. But then I see a cherry pie. Or a chocolate-covered cherry. Or a cherry on top of a sundae. My willpower evaporates like morning dew in a heatwave.

Am I a weak person? Yes. But I am a gassy, happy weak person. There’s a certain nobility in suffering for flavor.

Cherry Etiquette for the Modern Age

If you’re eating cherries on a date, plan strategically. Eat them after the main course, not during. It’s polite to let the romance hit its peak before you become a gastrointestinal foghorn.

Don’t mix cherries with beans. Or broccoli. Or cabbage. That’s a nuclear combo. You could power a small city with that gut energy. Call it renewable, if not breathable.

I propose a new holiday: National Cherry Apology Day. We eat cherries, then apologize to everyone we meet. “Sorry I turned the living room into a methane cloud. Here’s a fresh pie.”